Golf In the Olympics -- Hooray?

SAN FRANCISCO -- The world's greatest golfers awoke Friday to news they can now be Olympians.

Somewhere the ancient Greeks are weeping. What's worse, somewhere the modern Chinese are working on a Human Golf Hormone drug.

Their orders are to seize any child who resembles Tiger Woods, pump him full of top-secret Birdie Juice and bring home the gold in 2016 from Rio de Janeiro.

Or else.

PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem accidentally summed it nicely.

"I think there's a lot that's going on now that's going to change, and is changing the image of the sport."

That's the worry.

There are plenty of reasons golf shouldn't be an Olympic sport. It already has plenty of exposure. A gold medal will never mean as much as a green jacket. John Daly might try to light a Marlboro on the Olympic flame.

As compelling as those are, the biggest reason the IOC blew it Friday is simple.

Golf is too pure for the Olympics.

Oh sure, some of you may still be under the illusion that Games are all about idealism, brotherhood and one-legged Ethiopian shepherds winning the marathon. And you think golf is too snobbish for such a humanitarian celebration.

Please check your facts. There's more scandal in one Olympics than a dozen episodes of Jon & Kate and 100 major golf tournaments.

Why would golf want to tee it up in that muck?

Okay, stupid question. It's always about the money, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The golf industry is desperate for new global markets, and the Finchems of the world envision a Dream Team reprise.

"I think this is a huge impactor on the equation," he said.

The impact hit Finchem at 3:30 a.m., when he awoke to the news from Copenhagen. He and every golfer at the Presidents Cup was all gung-ho at the prospect of going to Brazil in 2016, assuming the country actually has a golf course by then.

The bigger concern should be whether the IOC will allow Russian judges to make out-of-bounds calls. I don't want to say every Olympiad is murkier than a Ben Johnson urine sample, but consider recent history.

1972 – The Soviets upset the USA after the KGB provides the officials, timekeeper and scoreboard operator for the men's basketball final.

1976 – After shaving their beards before swimming, the East German women win every medal in the pool.

1980 and 1984 – Boycotts that Martha Burk could only dream about.

1988 – Johnson becomes the world's fastest cheat. Roy Jones Jr. knocks out his Korean opponent and still loses the decision.

2002 – Canadian figure skaters get jobbed by a French judge who'd been bought by a Russian mobster.

2004 – Doping is so rampant that an Irish equestrian horse tests positive. As bad as Steve Williams can be, Woods has never had to have him tranquilized.

2008 – The Chinese test-tube baby team wins the women's gymnastics.

Those are just the highlights of the lowlights. Contrast that to the egregiousness of recent golf extravaganzas.

2008 – Woods cusses after hooking a drive.

I'll admit I'm conveniently forgetting about Daly. But I'll see your Daly and raise you a Marion Jones, Michelle Smith and the entire Bulgarian weightlifting federation.

The Olympics is NASCAR with more diverse language barriers. If you're not cheating, you're not trying.

As for golf, forget doping. A real golfer would get blackballed for marking their ball a quarter-inch closer to the hole. The game is built on honor and etiquette, which leads to the stuffy image, which leads to episodes like the one in Thursday's opening round.

Geoff Ogilvy had to back off a putt several times because a dopey marshal's cell phone kept going off. When he was finally ready to putt, someone in the gallery yelled "Noonan!"

As any self-respecting Caddyshack fan knows, that's the universal phrase for "Miss it!"

Ogilvy did, and then he pointed to the gallery and stormed off the green. Woods immediately went over and apologized on behalf of the offender.

"It was absolutely uncalled for," he said. "This is not what golf is all about."

Yeah, and Tonya Harding wasn't about knee-capping rivals until Olympic fever got a hold of her.

As bad as that was, Harding wasn't part of state-sponsored subterfuge. We may think the Soviet approach went down with the Berlin Wall, but China is East Germany with a billion more people, give or take a few hundred thousand, of course.

If it can't reassert itself through tanks, it will do it through track and taekwondo. And now these Little League Parent Countries have a new sport to kick around.

"I think it's great for golf," Woods said. "It's a perfect fit for the Olympics."

That's what he thinks now, but what's the Chinese word for Noonan?

We'll find out in seven years.