Hello, Eldrick. It's Santa calling. Guessing you have turned off the BlackBerry. A little late for that, don't you think?Whatever, I'm leaving a message to say, please, cool it with the texts. Mrs. Claus occasionally goes through the phone after I nod off after a long day in the workshop -- just like every other wife in the world. That means I'm tired of making excuses for all your Victoria's Secret orders.
And the vacuum cleaner attachments? I don't even want to know.
Listen to me. You may be one fine golfer, but, you don't know squat about relationships. It's just a guess, but I'm figuring you never once cracked the autographed edition of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" I put in your stocking five years ago after the wedding.
You ungrateful little ... no, no, forget it. That's melted snow, ancient history. It just makes this a little easier to say.
Yo, Tiger. You're getting zilch, nada, nothing this year.
There are not enough elves in the North Pole to rebuild your image. You can text me 'til your thumbs bleed ... not going to happen.
What, you think I can get Superman to fly around the world backward and make all your troubles go away? No way. Right now you are radioactive. I call in that favor from the S-Man and Lois Lane finds out, she kryptonites his ass in a nanosecond.
Getting a wife's blessing for golf-getaway weekends with buddies was hard enough already. Do you have any idea the added difficulty you have caused?
In case you haven't figured it out, you're not real popular with women right now. At least none of the ones who can make my list after I've checked it the first time, much less twice.
To be honest, the feedback from guys isn't exactly full of cheer, either. Getting a wife's blessing for golf-getaway weekends with buddies was hard enough already. Do you have any idea the added difficulty you have caused?
Jeez, man, thanks to you, now a guy can't even go into a Perkins Restaurant for coffee and pancakes by himself.
So, I've made my decision. Quit asking. You're off the list. Naughty doesn't even start to describe what you've been up to.
I've already deleted the GPS coordinates you sent for "Privacy.'' Besides, you do know, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen are REINDEER! They never made that kind of movie. For gosh sakes, Tiger, get a grip.
Look, I'm trying to figure this whole story out, but nothing about it makes sense. There's just no feeling sorry for you.
Look at it from my boots. Santa comes once a year, and it means squeezing my tired old bones down a series of chimneys. You're married to the lovely Elin, who, I got to tell you, everybody thinks is an absolute doll, you have two great kids. And still, you're out jingling your sleigh bells at every arm-decoration on three continents.
Just the thought of such reckless behavior has me so heated, Al Gore has called twice this week complaining about what it's doing to the polar bears.
See, Tiger. It can't just be about you. The consequences of your actions affect more than just your world. OK, the Blue Martini seems to have gotten a lot of mileage out of it, but nobody else.
And another thing, since I'm on a roll. I've never really liked Stevie Williams -- not since the time he took a swing at poor Rudolph just because the little fellow snapped a picture of New Zealand.
So there.
I'm hoping you hurry back to golf. I really am. A lot of good folks in the sport depend on you and are pulling for you.
I'll tell you what. I'm so eager to see you back making news the right way, I'm going to bite my tongue and not say anything about the red shirts. But remember, somebody else made that color famous well before you came along. Either live up to it, or start dressing like Ian Poulter. You can decide.
Well, I suppose, there's not much left to say.
I'm sorry it had to come to this, but Santa just can't condone your recent behavior.
We'll talk again before next year, but let me tell you, there's a lot of work to be done before you even think about asking for a new endorsement deal.
And Santa will be watching.
Ho, ho, ho.
Tiger! That's not what I meant.
Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Santa - Thank you for setting Tiger straight this year. So many of us are hoping that he takes your words to heart and straightens up! Golf Fan P.S. I have been very good this year - how about a new set of clubs!
OMG! Elliott.... I mean Santa really got Tigger's number!
Ho Ho Ho!
Absolutely hilarious!!
Now THAT was funny and accurate! I hope Liger reads it, but my bet is he's too busy popping pills and watching porn to care!! But if not and by some miracle you're reading this blog, Tieger I NEVER liked you not from day one. Your arrogance and pampas attitude was always a clue into the real Lieger Woods. Even with the kids...you were never humble. It is unfortunate, but Jack Nicholus was the same way. Arrogant, self centered, told my 7 year old son once at his tournament in Columbus, "Get out of the way kid, a lot of people want my autograph." Needless to say we never did again. Want to talk about class? Kenny Perry, that guy is the most humble guy on tour and the man I want my three boys to look up to.
Merry Christmas Santa!
Glad Beemrr set the record straight about Fat Jack. I covered the PGA Tour for years as a sportswriter and Nicklaus was just as bad as Woods when it came to his "I'm better than you" attitude. A real prick, self-centered and always looking down his nose at the media and others. Too many writers protected his butt.....just like they did with Tiger. You want two humble and decent golfers? Try Arnold Palmer and Nancy Lopez. They got it when it came to their fans and to the game of golf. You want role models, try those two on. They don't make'em any better. Another good guy out there, but who didn't win a lot, was Lee Elder, the first black golfer to play in the Masters. A true gentleman.
TOTALLY agree about Arnold. Should have mentioned him but Kenny was fresh in my mind because of the way he handled his loss at the Masters. Nice to know too about Nancy and Lee Elder. I didn't know him but will do a little reading now that you brought it to my attention.
Any list of pro golfers who are also fine human beings has to include GARY PLAYER.
I think santa need to get tiger's wife a new alarm system that only she can turn off
They are taking his USGA Amateur titles away from him. It's been proved that IMG was fronting him and Earl money since Tiger was 12, it's true! Bombshell!
Hot chocolate mommas need attention from white dudes!
See Tiger Woods bloody beat-down viral video here> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euXJTf9pMmk
Works as copy/paste
Zzzzzzzzz, Boring!!!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz, Borrrrrrring!!
Tiger: HO HO HO
Except Tiger's the biggest HO HO HO of them all
Wayne,
You are a moron hater.
Why did AOL even post this link? They should be a bit above this. Guess not. They used to be, now they've gotten real gossip'y. I've noticed that in the past year or two, they've really slipped down in quality on that. Ick.
Jere is absolutely right, Wayne.
It's puzzling why everyone claims to be so shocked about Tiger Woods and his women. Do you have any idea how many married men have just as many, and probably more women they sleep with? Tiger's problem is that he is Number One, and that made him a target. I can tell you of Politicians that have women they pay and see at every stop they make, I can tell you of educators, scholars and CEOs who have women they bed at every meeting and conference they go go - all married, all with children, many with wives pregnant - and the number of women far outnumber what Tiger's grossed to date. I can tell you of men in the media getting head in the Corporate restrooms, public officials getting laid on top of firetrucks, CEOs getting theirs outside Corporate Headquarters in the woods behind the building, on and on. He is not the anomaly - he is the norm. The only problem was these women wanted what Elin had and figured they had a shot at the wealth and the fame, and he made one of them mad for not giving her money. Elin just happened to sell herself for the highest price - it was nothing more than a business arrangement. Seduce him, bed him, wed him, close your legs, take the house - SSDD in your typical American marriage. When most women are done taking their husbands for all they're worth, many men wind up lost and suicidal. Please, have some respect for Tiger Woods - he may very well be one of them.
Hey Mick, you're telling me you've not had a few bimbos in your closet? Wanna see?
Trust me, this stuff goes on every day, everywhere, with men more powerful and wealthier than Tiger, and many not so wealthy. But he is no exception. Let the media keep taunting him as they do - but please, don't ever forget - let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and what goes around will come around to each of them. The women secretly bedding these writers, comedians, politicians, athletes, tabloids and newscasters need to come out of the closet as well, so we can see really, how Tiger is not much different than any of them when it comes to women. Game on. Wanna play, fellas?
and you know about everyone's sex life??? Doubtful..BTW the article was about Tiger.
What a dense nasty cloud bank has moved into view. Even Santa cannot make it thru. The density of grayish darkness will not lift for about three months. After that, a company of Kleenex, could hardly sustain the weeping ahead. A return to golf? The only present that Santa can give. is the hope of getting a grip. That time is of coarse another story. Ahem! Sorry, the throat had to be cleared. Another chapter is just ahead. First, is the completion of this one.
its about time someone said its not OK for husbands to fornacate with anyone that they want to without even thimking about their wife at home and kids let alone about all the diseases that they could give their wife.I KNOW from many experiences with s husband that did anyone but especially my friends and when caught would still never tell the truth.It is the most disgusting trip to the Dr. to have std testing done //An for me all the others outweighted me by 50-200lbs,makes a woman for so confident in herself after this.
Hey Folks... I did not invent, nor define the word "mamzer!" His kids are indeed "mamzers" by the very meaning of the word. Nor did I write the Bible! Your opinion, nor mine, really matters anyway, does it?